It is a mild July day - Winter's charming breath dances through the tree's and colours of Morning adorn the sky. I lay asleep - as elegantly as an enebriated polar bear... - in the arms of my gentle Matthew.

Without warning and with no manners, I am woken by the urgent desire to wee! Ungracefully - but very well practicd - I manouver my heavily pregnant body off the bed and waddle to the bathroom. I mummble good mornings to my inner baby and after pulling off a highly complex manouver to wipe myself down there, I head off back to bed. This last trimester has left me unable to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Luckily Matthew works night shift at the local 24hr Internet cafe and my wakeful night-time hrs are accompanied by like-minded women from the exquisite world of www.mothering.com... I have a sanctuary and a place where magic seems present all the time.

I glance over at the digital radio/clock on the corner of the room 7:16 I release an inner sigh and begin the task of trying to get comfortable. 7:32 My eyes close without prompting and I warmly anticipate returing to the realm of sleep. But my body is charged and on another mission... My bladder anounces it's time for another release session and it is relentless.

I cannot ignore this powerful erge and begin the process of getting out of bed and to the bathroom without falling asleep on the way. Nothing. Not a drop. Not a single drop. But the erge has subsided. I am cold, and highly tired. I walk heavily back to bed and lay down, but before I even get the chance to get comfortable, the erge returns with a vengance. It is so intense this time that I cant help but become wakeful. I make the trip back to the bathroom. This time I stay for a long, long time. For some reason the erge subsides when I am on the toilet and I decide to use this to my advantage. I finally decide its safe enough to return to the bedroom, the alarm clock silently screams 8:43 across the room. This time the erge doesn't return, but rather a wave of warm pain encircles my abdomen - just like the menstral cramping I used to get before the pregnancy. It leaves suddenly and it's visit was brief. I am going to meet my child today...today is the day!

A calmness wraps itself around me as I walk around the house, bathed in morning light. Every now and then I am visited by a stronger circle of pain that is a contraction. It starts like a gentle ripple, then expands to reach the zenith of its magnitude, then it wanes until it no longer can be felt. It looks like a circle.

At 9:13 I wake Matthew. "Matt... I am having contractions. I'm in Labour." He contorts his face at me, as though he were trying to get me in focus. "No, it must be those fake ones, you know?" I smile. "This is the real deal Matt. I have been timing them and they are 5-7 mins apart."

Together we continue timing the contractions. They become more and more intense with each one and soon I am unable to see one through without the physical support of Matthew. His strong yet gentle pressense brings a comfort to the pain, and to my whole being. I find it a lot easier to cope mentally than physically, this is the first time my body is doing this and I am braught to a place within myself, where I am put in the seat of witness. I am awed at my primal abiltiy to help bring a baby into this world.

Somehow we forget to phone our families. We are in a bubble, we are having a baby, and this is all we can focus on. We do however, remember to phone our midwife - Belinda. We walk slowly to the internet cafe where we can use the phone. The walk makes me feel alive and fresh. Something inside me grows with awe and everything becomes the product of beauty.

Belinda tells me in a heightened voice to call back when contractions are more regular and reminds us to phone for the birth pool. She sounds excited. We phone the birth pool people and make our way back home. By the time we reach the front door, I am having steady contractions at 4 minute intervals and they are intense! We have to phone Belinda! Matthew decides to ask a neighbour if he can phone from there and I find solace in talking to my baby while wondering around the house. I feel so awake and so vividly alive. My senses seem heightened and my mind is sharper than ever before. Yet what is happeneing inside of me is such a mystery to me! None of it is familiar and with this uncertainty, I am also highly nervous. Matthew's returned pressense brings me balance and a valiant sense of comfort!

My mind has divorced itself from the ebb and flow of a reality that is now outside of me. I am captured by the rythyms of my body and can only feel that which is inside of me. The birth pool people have arrived and they busy themselves setting up. I retreat to the bathroom where I discover that sitting on the toilet brings a heavenly releif from the physical pressures of labour! Belinda and her partner midwife - Ingrid - arrive and they greet me warmly. Belinda is shocked at how far dialated I am already and begins setting up. It is now about 2pm and I am 7cm.

The pain is so vivid and so enveloping that I am unable to resist giving it a voice! I maon loudly and this brings Belinda rushing in, "dont push love, you'e not fully dialated!" I reassure her that I am not pushing but rather trying to meet the pain to escort it out! She smiles and tells me the pool is almost ready. The pain is so close to unbearable and I find myself wanting to give up. It all seems so surreal and so urgent.

I am in the water... I am tired and 9cm dialated. This is heaven. My body feels so warm and so full. Matthew is behind me in the water and Belindais at my side. Ingrid is angelic and quiet in the background. Her pressence makes me feel safe.

The contractions still come with thrilling force but now I am in my element - water - and a sense of power creeps in to aid me. Between contractions I feel sleepy and close my eyes. There are no words to describe how comforting this is! Surrounded by intensity, this water brings a sense of peace and stillness that I so desparately need!

Belinds tells us that she can see the baby's head! I am so tired and this news brings a renewed sense of conviction with it! Its almost time! I am overwhelmed by a passinate desire to PUSH! There is no denying this force and without debate I push... I am in such agony and my body is being pressed to it's limits. The severity of my tiredness is increasing and I am slowly losing faith.

I turn to my circle of support for assurance.

Matthew's pressence tightens around me and I feel safe. Belinda and Ingrid both tell me that I am doing wonderfully and that they are both really proud of me. This is the strength I need to carry on. I am doing okay... no, wonerfully, and I am safe here.
The next contraction begins as the previous one fades and all I can do is push. The erge is undenyable!

"Good job! Keep breathing Shireen, you're doing great! Your baby's head is right here!"

It feels as though I am taking two steps forward and one step back! My baby's head slides up just a little after each contraction and this feels like it could take forever!

As the water moves around me and my body is filled with pain, I make a promise: Only one more contraction! This baby is coming out if this is the last thing I do!

And with my next contraction and my erge to push, I summon all the strength and conviction I posess... "I am going to see my baby!" The burning is unbearable, yet I welcome the progress. I am at the brink of my threshold and all I can do is keep pushing. And then its gone, the pain, the burning and the erge to push. I am so tired, so tired. Then I realise that my baby's head has been born and within seconds her body wriggles out and she is on my bosom looking into my eyes...

The world stands still. There is just this moment. I am alive with love and all I can do is look deep into her eyes. Matthew, still behind me, brings his head closer and his breath echoes through my ears. We are a family now, forever connected. This moment lasts a lifetime! 4:05pm

The birth of my son - Noah Aidan Freeman McLeod

When I fell pregnant for the second time I was in total shock! Not only was it unexpected, it was planned against - I had an IUD. After the initial shock wore off, I became excited with the thought of becoming a mama of two. I enjoyed my first pregnancy and the birth of Amber empowered me as a woman and it gave me a lot of much needed strength on my journey through motherhood. I was 18 when Amber was born and this was a life-changing experience for me. Now at the tender age of 20, I was pregnant again.

I planned another water birth at home and made plans to meet with a midwife that I felt would be the perfect birth attendant and support system for me - and she was!

Throughout my pregnancy she was an immense source of support for me - even though she didn't know how deep her kindness and care were going. I was in a rough patch in my life and although this pregnancy was difficult to deal with it gave me a lot of strength not to give up.

By the end of my pregnancy I was HUGE! I had gained something like 25kg and I was very uncomfortable. I had an appointment with my midwife a week before my due date - I was 4cm dilated... and I hadn't felt a single thing! WOW! I was so happy - finally something was happening - I was SO ready for this baby to be born by this time!

A week went by and on my due date - 27 November 2003 - I went to see my midwife. I hadn't dilated any further and Noah's head was still pretty high up. She could tell that I was ready and she said she could see my body was getting ready too. She told me that I should do a lot of walking and keep myself hydrated.

The next day was a Friday and I was SO wanting to go into labor! I went out for the day with my late mother-in-law and she was such a great support for me! We got on so well together. She was a total home birth/AP junkie and we were really close.

That morning - as per my midwives suggestion - I had taken some castor oil in the hope that it would kick-start my body into going into active labor.

At about 10pm I started feeling very light rushes. They were not intense at all and I didn't pay much attention to them. Amber was asleep and my husband - Matthew was dozing off. We lay on the bed and I tried to time my rushes. Eventually I decided to call my midwife to let her know what was going on. She was assisting another midwife with a birth and said to call her if anything changed. For the next half hour or so I lay in bed timing my rushes. I could hardly feel them so I sent my midwife a text message to say I was going to try and get some sleep. She replied to say she would get her things ready anyway and that I should let her know if anything changed.

I lay down beside my husband and closed my eyes. Then - without warning - I felt a warm and almost sticky gush of liquid. My water had broken! But had it? My water never broke this early with Amber and when it did I was having a rush and was sitting on the loo (it was the only comfy place that I could be before getting into the pool). I pushed gently on my belly and more water came out. Yup - this was it! I woke Matthew up and asked him to phone our midwife. He did and she said she would be there in 20 mins. I was so excited! Finally - I would meet my womb dweller!!

I phoned my mom to come be with Amber. She arrived and we decided Amber could go home with my mom and she could bring her home in the morning. I also phoned my mother-in-law who arrived with water, food and lotsa love. We were in such a good mood and we chatted and laughed until my midwife arrived. She came inside with a smile and we had some tea. It was a beautiful night - the moon was bright ans the air was clear. A mid-summer night! As my midwife set up her things in the lounge/dining area, dh made a fire and we all chatted. Every now and then I would feel a rush and Matthew would hold me close and rub the small of my back. I felt so alive and al calm and in sync with the rhythm of my body. My midwife asked if she could check my dilation to see if Noah had descended any further. I was 8cm. 8cm!! and no pain! This was so amazing! Noah's head was still quite high and my midwife suggested I walk round in the garden. It was just the right temperature outside and the walking was helping a lot. The rushes became stronger and more intense and with each one Matthew was beside me - in the moonlight, silently riding each wave with me.

I was enjoying the rushes and with each one I felt myself connecting with my body and it made me feel humble and very primal. The energy was very intense around me and between rushes I felt warm and happy. My midwife was very unobtrusive and her presence felt more like an old friend and it was wonderful. She was quiet and calm and very mother-like. She laughed with me and said she had never seen a mother in transition laughing and smiling in between rushes. It hadn't even occurred to me that I was in transition!

I decided to go inside. My midwife was preparing the the pool by candlelight and I decided to walk up and down the passage. My rushes were become more intense and during one I needed my husband close. He has a very serene presence and together I felt we fused and connected. I fell in love with him again with each rush. At the same time I felt empowered and very centred. Even though the rushed demanded my full attention, I enjoyed them.

At 1am my mother-in-law left to go home and I became more and more drawn into my primal self and I felt very centered. The pool was ready and I got into it. It was warm and relaxing. I had two rushes in the water but I became too hot and uncomfortalbe. Matthew couldn't get to the small of my back easily and I began to feel disconnected. I told my midwife and she said I should do whatever I felt was right. I wanted to get out and told my midwife that I really needed to go to the toilet. The rushes felt different too and in the middle of the next one I climbed out the pool. I went to pee and suddenly I had an undeniable erge to PUSH! I called to my husband that I had to push and he came to the toilet door. I let out a long moan - it felt *so* good to push!

Dh and my midwife took me to the main bedroom. My midwife suggested I go on all fours at the edge of the bed. I did and I began too feel a lot more connected and was able to integrate with the rushes a whole lot better. Just the change of positions of me getting out the pool gave my body the boost to dilate the last cm and I was ready - my baby would be here soon!

During a rush I would groan and close my eyes. It was strong now and very close together. Dh was next to me and I had my head in his lap. This was amazing for me - I felt to free!

When my midwife said she could see Noah's head I reached down to feel. It was so warm and wet and I was pleasantly smiling... The next rush came and with it an incredible erge to push - so I obliged ... His head was born and my midwife gently rubbed my back and Matthew ran his fingers through my hair. I was high and my body was warm and tingly. My midwife said, "Shireen - breathe his body out for him. You are doing well..." The next rush came and it felt like a deep wave... I could actually feel his body sliding out of me as I rode the wave and breathed slowly.

I opened my eyes and there he was beneath me... so pure and delicate. His eyes were bright in the candlelight and he was like an angel. We rubbed his feet and he let out a 'cry' to let us know he wa here. Then he closed his eyes and I kissed his forehead. We rubbed the vernex into his skin and when the cord stopped pulsating Matthew cut it. Then another gentle rush came and I birthed the placenta. He was born at 1:24am.

Matthew carried Noah to the candlelit lounge where we got into the birth pool. It was magical... Noah was so comfortable in the water and his little hands and feet curled up and his legs gently opened and closed in the warm water... Everything was gentle and quiet and perfect!

On Sunday, I worked all day, including a full afternoon of stressful, emotionally draining and
difficult meetings. I wrote in my journal, “I spoke more bluntly than I am usually able to do, & I
don’t know whether it will have an effect on the outcome, but I feel good about having
expressed myself clearly.” That night I felt daunted and discouraged about having to go to (yet
another) meeting on the same topics Monday night . . .



But . . . our baby had other plans. Monday, February 23 was: 1) the 14th anniversary of the date
my husband (a.k.a. Moose) and I met for the very first time, 2) my best friend’s birthday (she
was to be the baby’s fairy godmother), 3) Moose’s cousin’s birthday, and 4) my mom’s half
birthday. Gestation: 38 weeks + 4 days LMP.



Here is the story of our baby’s birth as I wrote it in my journal (more or less), the week after it
happened:



I went into labor at about 4 am Monday morning. I felt like I had gas or diarrhea or something
and went to the bathroom several times and back to bed. Eventually, I decided the toilet was
good but not making it go away, and so I got up and sat in the living room for a while. I told
Moose how I was feeling and he wasn’t very interested. I sat and read Flashback by Nevada
Barr for an hour, till 5:30 am.



I would think the contractions had gone away, and then another one would come along. They
weren’t very strong, but they felt distinctly different from any I’d had before. So at 5:30 am I
went and told Moose. He grumped and told me I should come back to bed. I decided to call the
midwives anyway, and I got Cindi, who also told me to go back to bed or take a hot bath or
something. I knew by this point that I didn’t feel I could sleep through these contractions, so I
didn’t try that. Instead I called my mother, who lives about a three hour drive away, to let her
know what was happening, but I said not to come yet. She decided to do “getting-ready-to-
come” things she’d need to do anyway (she was awake already) and to wait to hear back from
me.



I took a long shower, which I would have needed to do anyway. That felt good, but still, the
contractions kept coming every so often. By the time I got out Moose had calmed down and was
ready to be cheerful and supportive. That was good, because I was feeling worried because he
had meeting with a client scheduled and . . ..



I sat in bed then and read some more. I called Debby, the birth assistant. She was a little more
encouraging (“it sounds like you’re in very early labor”) but also relatively un-excited. I mean, I
think really everyone was interested and excited, but throughout the labor, one way I knew when
a change was happening in the labor (going to a different stage or phase) was that I would
think/feel, “why isn’t anybody taking this seriously?”



About 7:30 am I talked to everyone again and even though contractions were still pretty irregular
and sometimes far apart, I felt pretty sure this was real and definitely sure enough to tell my
mother to come. So she left to come!



I ate some toast. Moose got up and decided to go to his studio to set out his albums and stuff
(he’s a photographer), so his dad (also a photographer) could show the clients his work if he
couldn’t go himself. (As it turned out, he went to meet them after all since my mother was here
by then and labor wasn’t that far along.)



While he was out, I turned on my computer and created two documents for work with the idea
that if I were actually in labor, somebody could take them in later and they’d be useful. And if I
wasn’t, I could print them and use them the next day when I went in. I also called my colleague
to warn him I might not make it to the meeting that night.



Concentrating and Moose being out combined to really slow things down for a while. So when
he came home, I decided I wanted to go for a walk. Once we were walking I decided I wanted
the ritual of the whole long walk we usually took with our dog, Min: through the woods, down
the big hill, all the way to the ford in the creek and back. I didn’t particularly notice any pick-up
in the contractions on the walk, but when we got back, around 11:30 am, Moose and I sat down
to snuggle for a few minutes on the couch. I had a contraction that hurt a lot, with a feeling like
a little pop or punch on my cervix, and I felt my water break. I stood up and waited for the pain
to subside. Moose asked if I was okay, I guess because this was different from how I’d been
behaving, and I told him I was, I was just waiting for it to stop hurting so I could go change my
clothes. I went to the bathroom and changed clothes and called Cindi and looked out the
window, and there was my mother’s car. What timing!



We called the birth assistant and greeted my mother. Cindi had asked us to count and time the
contractions for half an hour and call her back, since often they’ll change when the water breaks.
We did, and they were mostly 5 - 6 minutes apart and about 60 - 90 seconds long. They also
seemed to be clustered, with several coming like that and then a 10 or 15 minute break between.
The way they seemed different was that they were all strong now, instead of some strong with
weak ones in between. Cindi and Debby both told me to try to sleep in the gaps, which I never
really did because I wasn’t tired yet.


At some point fairly early, I started singing through each contraction. Just little snippets of
songs. Come Contentment and Yonder Come Day. Nissa and Now I Walk In Beauty, chants
mostly. As labor went on and got stronger, I had to move to stronger, lower, louder singing and
songs. Eventually, I stopped singing words and just sang vowel sounds. Eventually, I stopped
singing and spoke-sang-yelled words of encouragement to myself: “I can do this!” “Open open
open open . . .” “This makes me so angry!” (That was during transition.) “Come on out, baby .
. .” etc.

This is a digression from chronology, but the singing and shouting were very important. It was
how I focused, stayed calm in the moment, and willing. I’m sure it did use up energy, but I think
it was well used. I think there were really only 3 or 4 contractions in the whole labor during
which I started to feel over the edge, unsure I could sanely get through them. Everything else, I
just adjusted my position or my vocalization or what I was asking of Moose and felt very much
that I was progressing through it. Those edge times, I demanded more of Moose and a couple of
times Cindi came right in front of me and sort of told me I was going to come through it and
stayed until I did.

Back to chronology for a while. I was relieved when my water broke because it had been hard
for me to let go of worrying about whether I was disrupting everybody’s day (including mine) for
a “false” labor. Now I was going to have the baby today or tomorrow, no matter what. Once
opened, no returns!

I had called my best friend (she lives far away) fairly early to wish her happy birthday and tell
her the news and I called her again to tell her the new news. Moose went to meet his clients.
My mother got herself situated in our “guest room” (a very small camping trailer parked in the
field behind our house!) I mostly relaxed. Moose and my mom did laundry, we made the bed,
Moose put the car seat in the car, and my mother did the dishes. I kept leaking clear amniotic
fluid with most contractions. Through the course of the day, I used up all of my cloth menstrual
pads soaking it up. Min didn’t really seem very interested for quite a while. My mother took a
shower. Eventually I called my brothers and my grandparents (all far away) to tell them I was in
labor and Moose called his parents for the same purpose. They live only about 4 miles from us
and brought over soup for the birth team around 7 pm.

In the late afternoon I felt like things were changing again and we timed the contractions again
They were a little closer together, and much longer: 3 minutes each instead of a minute and a
half. I called and told Cindi I’d like her to come now, and she agreed. Debby had to wait for her
husband to get home and couldn’t leave for us until 6 pm, but in the end I think she probably got
here at the same time she would have anyway (traffic!)

Cindi arrived around 6 pm and brought stuff in and set herself up. She took my vitals and sort of
settled in. She felt for the baby’s position on the outside and listened to the heartbeat. But it was
quite a while before she did an internal exam. Debby arrived. Things continued as they had
been, which was . . .

Moose was always with me. Early on I was in the living room a lot, on the couch. I stood and
bent over to lean on the coffee table or something during a lot of contractions. Later I went to
the bed and sat on my knees - I always felt I had to be able to get up and move during a
contraction into that kind of forward-leaning position if I wanted to. Moose, contrary to what I
had thought I would want, was mostly next to me, and rubbing my lower back during
contractions (which was exactly what I did want!) He told me he loved me, occasionally that I
was getting close (which I knew wasn’t true, but appreciated), that I was doing great. Once I
remember him saying that there were a finite number of contractions and each one was bringing
me closer to our baby. That was nice. He was really truly wonderfully there for me.
Occasionally we kissed, but that wasn’t a big part of the labor for me. I felt like . . . he wasn’t
scared by what was happening, but he wasn’t unaware of how much work it was, either.

My mother was more generally around during the earlier parts of labor. I didn’t really feel like I
needed her right there with me then. I think later on she spent a lot more time staying close, but
again mostly just as a presence, rather than hands-on or offering a lot of verbal coaching. She
did give me some energy in my lower back once that I remember as very nice. And she did offer
verbal encouragement, of course, but most importantly she was just there and around.

Once I moved to the bedroom, Min realized something big was happening and lay right next to
the bed almost the whole time - right where people needed to stand to get to me. This is a bitter-
sweet memory now, because she was killed by a hit-and-run driver when our baby was 6 weeks
old. She didn’t even move when Debby arrived. She did get up and leave the room every time I
threw up (whenever I tried to drink or eat anything from about 4 centimeters until I started
pushing - 5 or 6 times total, more than I ever did during pregnancy.) And she left when I was
pushing, probably because it was similarly intense and because there were 4 other people in our
very small bedroom besides me.

One thing that I think was important in my laboring was that I decided, semi-consciously, to
verbalize positive things even if I felt discouraged - or at least energetic things, rather than
complaining. The midwives seem to have been really impressed by this, but it just made sense
to me. I had read about it in Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, and besides, I know myself. Self-
pity and complaining do not make me function better. Saying what I want, how I feel
(positively), and so forth, does. I wanted a good birth, a baby, my own strength. I could always
find it in me to affirm those desires, even if I was also close to overwhelmed.

Around 9 or 10 pm I asked to be checked and I was dilated 4 or 5 centimeters but very, very thin.
I found that kind of discouraging for a little while, but I responded by doing a lot of vocalization
about opening up, which may or may not have sped things up but certainly can’t have slowed
them down! A while later, after midnight, I think, I asked to be checked again. Actually, what
had happened was that I had figured out how to check myself. I just experimented with reaching
in a finger, because I wanted to see what I could feel. My cervix and the baby’s head were right
there, much closer to my vaginal opening than I’ve ever felt before. It took me a few minutes to
be sure what I was feeling. I think that was kind of encouraging, looking back on it, because I
don’t think I knew how very short the birth “canal” was actually going to be.

When she checked me the second time, Cindi said I was 7 centimeters and I asked if I was in
transition. She said she thought I was on the verge, but that’s one of those times when I’m pretty
sure what my body was telling me was that I was in transition.

The next part of labor was frustrating. For about an hour I would have some contractions with
intense cervical pain, some with an urge to push, and some with both. I pushed through one or
two and found that did not feel good. I got mad every time I had another painful one. And they
had slowed wa-a-a-ay down, too. For the record, I got mad, but I didn’t get mad at Moose or
anyone else, because I knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault, not even mine. It just was. But
eventually I reached in again and could feel very little cervix except in the front. Cindi checked
and said it was a lip and suggested feeling it to see what it did during a contraction if I felt like
it. I did and pushed it back a little and felt the baby’s head move past it! That was very exciting.
As it turned out, my push on the lip of the cervix hadn’t quite done the trick, and a few
contractions later, Cindi pushed it and it finally worked - it hurt, but I could really feel the
difference once it was out of the way.

Around that time I said I wished I could reach up and pull on something when I got to pushing,
but I knew there wasn’t any way to do that. By this time I was kind of semi-reclined, leaning
back on Moose. I needed to change positions and without thinking, I reached up and grabbed the
edge of the bookshelf over our bed. Someone said, “Noooooo!” as all the books cascaded off
the shelf onto the bed. Somehow, they entirely missed me (I was mostly under the shelf) and
didn’t hurt Moose at all. I just can’t believe I actually did that!

I experimented with some vertical to semi-reclined positions for the pushing contractions. I had
been completely unwilling to lie down for contractions during early or active labor. But I ended
up lying on my right side, leaning on Moose, to push the baby out. There wasn’t so much pain to
deal with from the pushing contractions, and I was really tired, and I think it felt more
controlled. The first couple of real pushes I used my upper abdomen too much and only really
pushed lower in the last little bit. But that felt so distinctly different that I figured out what to do
pretty quickly (also, Cindi told me which feeling I was going for.)

Apparently, I pushed for about 45 minutes. But it was such a relief to be doing it and so intense
that I really didn’t realize it was that lengthy. My memories of it stop being visual and are
almost entirely of other senses. I remember asking Moose if he wanted to take off his jeans so
they wouldn’t get bloody at the birth. (I think they just put the chucks over his legs, instead.) I
remember finding a position. I remember them saying the head was there, and Moose asked for
a mirror to see. I said I didn’t care if I could see, but to get it for him (someone did.) I
remember that the baby did move down and back, down and back. I remember that my vaginal
opening did sting, especially on my clitoris. I thought Cindi was touching it or something, and
actually told her to stop it, but she said it wasn’t her, but the baby’s head pushing it. I had my
hand on my vagina or the baby’s head the whole time. It didn’t sting as much at the perineum,
which may be why I did end up with a very small tear and a couple of skin skid marks down
there, but no damage up above. I remember that I was surprised when the whole head came out.
I knew I was going to be able to do it and stretch far enough to let it out, but I thought I had a
little further yet to go. When the head came out they said the baby was already trying to breathe
and Cindi said she needed to check for the cord (it wasn’t around the neck.) And then I pushed
the rest of the baby out and they told me to open my eyes and reach down to take my baby. That
part was very quick, but beyond my control - the contractions came and I pushed, whether I
chose or no.

I pulled the baby up, crying and yelling just like I had been doing and red all over. They covered
the baby with blankets and rubbed the baby off and suctioned a little. And then we looked and it
was a boy! What a surprise! We had all been completely convinced this baby was a girl, but we
were all wrong! I said his name and touched him and tried to put him to my breast. He was born
at 2:12 am on Tuesday, February 24.

I pushed the placenta out, which actually felt very good. And then Cindi got a little concerned
that I was bleeding too much. She asked Moose to do nipple stimulation (he had seen and
touched and spoken to the baby, too) and gave me pitocin, and a little later, methergyn. I felt
like I/we couldn’t focus well on the baby while dealing with that and I asked my mother to hold
him. She did, just walking a little around the room and then standing at the foot of our bed. I
could see him the whole time. She had called my grandparents right after he was born. They
had said to call, no matter the hour, but as it happened, my grandmother was up to the bathroom
at just the moment my mother called.

Moose did his job with my nipples, though I kept telling him to do it harder! Later, he said that
this was the one part that was a little scary for him. I didn’t feel scared, I think I still felt “I can
do anything” from labor and knew I would be okay. But I didn’t want to have to go to the
hospital. Later, my mother told me that she bled a lot after each of her three home birth
deliveries, but that her lay midwives (not having access to medications) just worked hard to get
her babies latched on and sucking and things turned out okay. I kind of wish I had known that
before the birth, but - oh, well! Cindi massaged my uterus, too, which hurt, and left a bruise for
days afterwards. Once she was satisfied that the bleeding was stopped, she stitched my
perineum up. I wasn’t able afterwards even to see or feel the stitches, but I think there were
maybe 3 of them. She gave me a local anesthetic shot on top of a topical numbing agent before
she did them.

I held our baby for a little while. My mother brought me a hard-boiled egg to eat, and crackers
and some of the soup my parents-in-law had brought over hours and hours earlier.

Moose and my mother called other people to announce the birth - his parents, my best friend, my
brothers. I called my father briefly after everything else was over.

They did the physical on our baby. He had all his good reflexes, he weighed 6 lbs., 11 oz., and
he was 19 inches long. His apgars were 9 and 10. We declined the Vitamin K shot and the
Erythromycin eye drops. Cindi looked at his head and said there was a little swelling - his
presentation was very slightly off to the right from his crown and there had been a little eye-
shaped molding. But the next day we had my mother muscle-test using me as a surrogate and
decided to continue to refuse the Vitamin K. (She’s been training in various complementary
medicine modalities in the past several years.)

Moose and my mom and Debby dressed our baby (all the clothes were too big) and Moose held
him while I peed and showered. The peeing was fine, but the shower was not so successful.
Standing up felt hard and pretty much right away I knew I wasn’t going to do any more than
rinse off. But after a minute or so I really felt dizzy and I said, “I’m going to fall.” I think I may
actually have passed out very briefly - my mother was in the room with me and caught me before
I did fall and helped me down to a knees-together squat in the tub - but I don’t remember her
grabbing me, and my ears were still ringing and dull when I got into my down position. I asked
for honey and got it, three big glazorps plus water to wash it down. Then I was able to get out of
the tub, get dried off, and into a nightgown. I crawled to the bed and into it, which Min thought
was very odd. I nursed our baby briefly. Moose and our baby and I all lay down together in our
bed and we were left to sleep. My mother slept in the living room for the rest of the night.

Looking back now, from five months later, I think it was a wonderful birth for all of us who
were present. As we wrote in our birth announcements: Born at home, we welcome him with
great love and joy and gratitude. I am so grateful that I had no fear of giving birth or of giving
birth outside of a hospital. I was born at home myself 27 years ago and was present at the home
births of my two brothers, and one of Moose’s four siblings was born at home as well. I am so
grateful that I was not afraid of pain. I have had a lot of pain, physical and emotional, in my life,
and I knew that I don’t like pain but that I can go through it. When people ask me, I say that of
course there was pain in giving birth, but there was no suffering. The pain was for a purpose and
my body and mind and spirit all knew it. Suffering is pain with no reason or no good reason for
being. I am so grateful that I had wonderful, amazing support from my partner as I gave birth
and that he has blossomed in many ways into a wonderful father since then. I am so grateful that
I had my mother with me, and my dog as my “doula”. I am so grateful that I was able to have a
skilled, legal, caring midwife and assistant at the birth (and our insurance even paid for most of
it!). I am so grateful that our baby was born healthy, whole, and without ever being exposed to
narcotics or other drugs. And of course, our son - his life, his presence, his being - is continuous
and reciprocal and amazing love and joy.

email Katje Sabin

I’ve been having prodromal labor off and on for several weeks, and was now 41 weeks 3 days along. My midwife wasn’t worried... everything tested and measured just fine, baby was happy, just still cooking. My sister had come the day before my due date, July 26, to help out, but had to leave on Friday, August 6 to go back to NY. We both thought the baby would be here for sure by then!

Everything was ready for my fourth homebirth: the fishy pool, all our birth supplies, plenty of snowy white cloth diapers recycled from my homeschooling community, a beautiful painting and goddess necklace from a blessingway my friends threw for me, relaxing music cued up on the stereo, many hours of Hypnobabies practice... all we needed was the baby to decide it was time to arrive.

I’d been having several days of early morning contractions that seemed promising but would peter out by midmorning. But on August 6, they didn’t die out completely. I woke up at 4 a.m. and curled up in the new glider rocker in the little sunroom off my bedroom, closing up the drapes between the rooms that my sister had made for me out of an old purple velvet comforter, so my husband Bill could keep sleeping (one of the many home improvement projects she tackled during her visit, since the baby wasn’t here yet!).

I pulled down an old favorite to pass the time, P.G. Wodehouse’s “Thank You, Jeeves,” and rocked through the harder contractions as the sun came up. They were anywhere from 3 to 5 minutes apart, but quite bearable.

From about 6 to 7 a.m., I went downstairs and soaked in my outdoor hot tub. I was glad we’d taken the time to hang up a screen made from the tie-dyed table runners from our wedding last year... there were lots of people up and about early that morning (our tub is otherwise visible in daylight to about five neighbors!). It was very peaceful and calm. While tubbing had stopped the contractions before, this time they only slowed down a bit.

By the time I got back up to my bedroom, they were clocking in at 7 minutes apart, staying pretty regular. Maybe, maybe, maybe today was gonna be the day! But it had stopped so many times before, I wasn’t going to get too excited... yet.

They did slow down again, about 9 a.m., and I decided to try for a nap (4 a.m. is pretty early to be getting up at my house!). I was actually able to snooze for about an hour and a half, with squeezy but light contractions every 15 minutes or so. However, at 10:30 a.m., I had one very hard and painful contraction that was clearly not meant to be dealt with lying down! Unlike the earlier squeezes, this one was focused very low and up front, and pinched hard. It took all my concentration not to tense up and fight it.

The next few hours were mixed with irregular contractions and getting everyone off to the airport OK. I wasn’t going to drive, but my 14-year-old daughter was going to stay with me while my husband took care of things. We were on our own for a couple of hours... she was mostly chatting with her friends online and on the phone, but she checked in with me every half hour or so, while I moved from my bedroom to the hot tub and back again.

I listened to the Hypnobabies cds, which helped beautifully during the lighter contractions but didn’t even touch those pinchy ones! They started to increase in frequency, from about every fifth contraction to every third or more. Some I could stand on the birth ball, but others I had to lean on the end of my sturdy bed and rock my hips to get through. Staying still was just NOT an option with these!

Bill got back around 2 p.m. and stayed with me in the bedroom while I worked through another hour of labor. By now I was sure I was doing the real thing, but I had no idea how far along I was... I tossed away my glasses, watch and the cd headphones, and had no idea of time or length of contractions. At 3:30, Bill asked if he should call the midwives. I wasn’t sure... I didn’t want to have them drive here (an hour’s trip) if they were just going to say, “Oh, you’re 2 cm, just keep doing what you’re doing and we’ll be back in a few hours.”

On the other hand... those pinchy ones were getting more and more frequent, and the idea of someone around to help me get through them was sounding good. The main midwife couldn’t come until 5:30, she said, but she’d send out the apprentice by 4:30. Just an hour away... I could do another hour of this by myself. Sure....

Somehow I noticed I was starting to bear down during those really pinchy ones... just breathing down into the pinch seemed to relieve it somewhat. I sure didn’t want to be pushing on an incomplete cervix, though, and cause myself worlds of pain down the road, so I said let’s go back to the tub, thinking the water might ease things up so the midwives could get here. Then we could move indoors (where I’d planned on birthing in the fishy pool). My water hadn’t broken yet, so I wasn’t concerned about hanging out in the tub longer.

You’d think, after attending 30+ births myself, I would recognize a woman about to have a baby! I got back in the tub about 4:30, and pushing felt even better in the warm water. By 5 the apprentice got here, and my water had broken. I thought it was a little funny that she didn’t start setting up for the birth... I thought I sounded like someone getting ready to have a baby. A little after that I started feeling rectal pressure and put my left hand up my yoni to see if I could feel anything.... OH MY GOSH! I felt my baby’s head! It was still way up high and back, but by gumbo, it was really there!

My daughter, husband and the apprentice just stood by the tub, sometimes saying encouraging things but in general being quiet and letting me do my work. I was feeling the head with my left hand the whole time (my right hand apparently had a death grip on Bill’s hand, and didn’t let go the whole time). I could tell the baby was going to be born soon, but nobody else seemed too worried about it, so I wasn’t either.

The midwife drove up at 5:20. She came back, took one look, kicked off her shoes and jumped into the tub with me. Finally! It seemed somebody thought the same thing I did! Sure enough, her hand supported my lower perineum while my left one covered the top part of my yoni, and we both felt my baby’s head start moving forward. She moved one loop of a double nuchal cord after asking me to hold off pushing for a second... this was really hard, because that last contraction must have lasted 15 minutes... it just waxed and waned in intensity, but it was there the whole time and never backed off completely.

Then she said go ahead and push again, and I felt the whole body corkscrew inside of me. I knew this had happened for my other births, but I don’t remember it feeling like that! Very slow and controlled, I felt the shoulders come down and stop on the perineum. She said, give me another push now if you can. I took a deep breath and, with that tremendous never-ending contraction, eased out the bottom shoulder. Once that released, my baby just came swimming right out of me! (at 5:25 p.m.)

She caught the baby (which was good because the water was pretty murky by that point, plus I didn’t have my glasses!) and gave it to me. I held it close and was amazed... finally thought to check the sex, and it was a boy! I’d guessed right! He was purple and silver and luminous, not much hair, not making much noise, a little floppy... then he cried out one good “waaa” and I knew he was fine.

During all this, the apprentice finally started getting the birth supplies out, with my daughter’s help. Someone passed me a towel to wrap the baby, and the little purple hat I’d knitted for him (it was HUGE!). The tub was 96 degrees, though, and he needed to be warmer, so my husband and the midwife took him indoors while the apprentice helped me out of the tub.

While I was gasping at the sensation of all my organs falling back into place, my elderly neighbor called over the tie-dye screen: “Katje? Was it a boy or a girl?” I laughed and said “Boy!” We had been worried about freaking out our neighbors, but they were as excited as we were! She brought over roses from her garden later that evening.

Both of our neighbors were doing yardwork the whole time I was pushing... so Bill said we should name the baby Moe (mow, geddit?).

While still in the tub, the midwife had guessed he was 9 lb. 10 oz... and she guessed perfectly! His head was 14 and 3/8 inches, and he was 21 inches long... my biggest baby yet! He nursed perfectly right when I put him to the breast and hasn’t looked back... (now I’m engorged but he’s very patient and just keeps trying to latch until he gets it).

Bill called for some take-out Thai food (I wanted to eat something with garlic in it! My heartburn had been plaguing me for months), and my older kids went to the John Kerry rally we had tickets for. Bill and I had a quiet evening getting to know this little guy, and cleaning up a bit.

He’s a very laid-back baby... loves to look around and gently wave his arms like an undersea conductor. We’ve been hibernating for the last few days, with glorious weather that has let us keep the windows open all day (usually it’s far too hot and humid here for that). Bill cleaned the poor tub (that’s true love for you!) and it’s sparkling clean again, ready for me to get back in once my bleeding stops.

It took us two days to find his name, but we’ve got it now: Lincoln Joshua Paul Sabin Gilliland. He’s got blond hair and a tiny little pointed chin, and big chubby cheeks. His eyes are bright and curious, and his stocky body is beautiful. He was 10 days “late” by my calendar, but he still had vernix in his elbow creases and armpits... though he did have a tiny bit of calcification on his (huge and healthy) placenta.

I feel great. This was by far my fastest labor, and it was very nearly an unassisted one! I never dreamed I’d have a labor like this, and I feel blessed beyond measure.

This is the story how I remember it a couple of days later. I know it may not be perfect and when I watch the video later I am sure I will realize that some things are out of order…but this is how it was for me…

I slept in the spare room with my sons, Cassidy (almost 5 years old) and Malcolm (2 years and 3 months old) that the night before. I was having mild contractions as I woke up to go to the washroom numerous times, but nothing strong or regular. In fact, I had been having these irregular contractions on and off for a couple of weeks and was getting used to ignoring them. I woke that morning, my due date, still having these mild irregular contractions. I told my husband, Jason, but we decided he should go to work and drop off Cassidy at 9am at his day camp nearby at Whonnock Lake. I said I might go grocery shopping with Malcolm, but I would be in touch with him if anything changed and if this was really the beginning of labour I would need him to leave work early to pick up Cassidy after camp at 11:30pm.

After Jason and Cassidy left, I called my Mom in Toronto to try and distract myself and see if the contractions would go away. We chatted for a while, and I noted to her that I was still having the contractions but they were mild and I was easily able to talk through them. My Mom thought I was in labour and should definitely not go grocery shopping, so we kept talking on the phone. By about 9:30am, we were still talking, but the contractions were becoming more regular about 5 minutes apart for about 30 seconds. Then around 9:45am, I had a really big contraction that caught my breath and lasted much longer than the others. My Mom insisted I get off the phone to call Jason at work to tell him to come home. I agreed.

I spoke to Jason just as he was arriving at the office and explained that the contractions were getting more regular and this definitely seemed ‘real’. I said he should do what he had to at the office then pick up Cassidy after camp and come home. I told him I would call if things changed. Malcolm was hanging out with me, playing with his toys and being an angel. I called my friend Diana, again trying to distract myself, after so many days of on and off contractions it just didn’t seem real to me yet, especially since my births with the two boys had been so intense and obvious right from the start with no prelabour.

I spoke with my friend for maybe 20 minutes and still the contractions were there and getting a little closer together. I said goodbye to her and decided to call Jason again, now it was around 10:30am. He was on another phone call, so I spoke with our office assistant, Niki, and said that I was definitely in labour and would she tell him that I wouldn’t even mind if he came home sooner (I don’t think I was very insistent at this point). Apparently, she passed him a note while he was on the phone and knowing I have fast births, he decided to come home immediately. After calling the office, I paged my midwife. Jason called and let me know he was on his way home and would pick-up Cass early. I felt relieved and realized I was holding back, waiting for them to get there. He wanted to stay on the phone with me but I said I wanted to wait for our midwife to call and then I would call him back. She called a few minutes later and I explained that I was having regular contractions about 4 minutes apart but I was still able to talk through them. I said it would definitely be today and wanted to let her know. She said she would cancel her clinic and we agreed I would call back when Jay got home. I called Jason back and he was speeding home. As we talked, the contractions were getting stronger. By 11:00am as he was picking up Cassidy at camp, the contractions were strong enough that I was having to vocalize to get through them and found myself stopping to grab onto to something as I puttered around the house with Malcolm getting things ready. I moved the birth pool into the bedroom, put some birthing sheets on the bed and made up some cups of juice for the kids in the fridge. Just before Jason got home I was sitting with Malcolm in the living room and I realized this was it, and I felt all emotional and started crying, Malcolm turned to me and said in the most soothing voice “Don’t cry mommy, Daddy get Duck-dee [Malcom’s name for Cassidy] and he come right back!” I remember laughing through my tears.

Jason arrived home around 11:15am. There were a few minutes of chaos, because the kids were excited and we weren’t sure what to do first. The sensations were getting pretty strong now, so I said to Jay it was most important to me that we fill the tub upstairs. We all went upstairs and began filling the tub and Jason was setting up the video camera on the dresser (I was SO impressed later to discover that thank goodness he had stopped on his way to work to pick up some extra video tapes for recording because we had only had one and that wouldn’t have been enough ). The kids were jumping all around and being a little crazy, it was hard for me and Jason right then. I tried to talk Cassidy into watching a movie so we could just get things ready but he wanted to be there so bad and he wanted to take pictures (like he had at his brother Malcolm’s and cousin Marcus’s births). We tried to let him stay but it was just too hard and after a little while we explained we just needed him to go for a little while and then we promised he could come back when we were ready, he reluctantly agreed and went downstairs. Meanwhile, the tub was full enough that I was able to get in…that was much better for me! My body felt supported through the intense sensations and the heat relaxed my aching back. We were blessed with a cool overcast morning since it had been clear sunny and hot for many days.

It gets a little blurry for me now… I know I asked Jason to call our midwife again at some point, which he did. He told me he wasn’t able to get a hold of her because she was at another birth and she would call us. I think she called us back at some point? And said the other mom was in transition and she would come when she could. Jason said she asked how far apart the contractions were and he said around 2minutes and she kind of said “oh”. He felt at this point they both knew she would not be there in time. He could have asked for another backup and she could have offered but in an unspoken conversation they did not choose to. Jason seemed totally calm to me and I to him as I continued to labour.

I was feeling hot and got out of the tub to cool down on the bed, but it was hard to deal with the sensations out of the water. I was vocalizing a lot now and starting to feel overwhelmed by the pain at points, but I was still having short breaks. I was aware of the kids coming in and out of the room. I got back in the tub and asked Jason to add some cold water. He did and I put the hose right over my back as I knelt on all fours. The shock of the cold water felt good through these long and intense contractions. I remember telling Jason I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore, it hurt too much. I remember him saying I was awesome and so strong and I could do anything. I knew I was in transition even though I couldn’t speak those words to him. I began to feel a little urge to push towards the end of the contractions and I told him. He calmly said it was okay, we could do it and if I wanted to push I should… I instinctively knew he was right. I don’t think either of us ever felt scared or even concerned we were alone at that point…it just seemed right. (Neither of us even considered calling 911 as we had been instructed many months earlier during a midwife appointment should this situation arise). The next thing I knew I naturally moved into a squat in the tub and started pushing. I remember telling Cassidy to turn the cold water off (the tub was now a perfect temperature for baby to be born into ).My waters broke with that first push and I looked down and noted aloud what had happened and that the water was clear: good. I told Jason to come over right away to catch his baby! I reached down to feel the head, then I pushed again and felt his head come out! There was a small pause and Cass and Malcolm were beside the tub watching and Jason was telling them to look: the babies head was in the pool. With a few more pushes his body slipped into Jason’s hands and he gently placed our baby on my belly. We started rubbing him vigorously, he was thickly coated with vernix but his colour and response seemed good. Jason quickly noticed we had another boy J. Our baby boy started to cry a little and I could feel him awaken to world with our touch. I felt so strong and present (whereas I had felt drained and withdrawn in the first minutes after my other ‘assisted’ births). I instinctively sucked out his nose gently with my mouth, but his passages were clear. I could feel Jason’s energy being especially effective so I told him to keep rubbing until he let out a good cry and we felt confident he was breathing well on his own. Jason and I looked at each other…we had done it! I felt so connected to him and our family.

I got out of the tub and moved to the bed nearby with baby still attached to me via the cord. Still feeling very calm, we talked about what was important next, concentrating on keeping our new son warm and birthing the placenta, while watching my blood loss. I put baby to my breast and cuddled him skin to skin. I could feel my uterus still contracting and after about 40 minutes and a little pushing effort the placenta was born. Jason placed it in a pot beside me and we quickly checked that my blood loss still seemed minimal and that I appeared to have no tears. All was well .

My midwife arrived not long after this at about 1:30pm. She walked in beaming at us, saying she knew we had wanted to deliver our own baby . She checked us out quickly, and it was clear we were all doing well. She said it was the easiest birth of her career… We opened the blankets to examine our son and cut the cord, only to discover to our amazement that he had a true knot in his umbilical cord (a rare and potentially dangerous occurrence)! She said they wouldn’t have done anything differently even if they had been there but he was lucky that his cord was long and the knot never got pulled to tight in utero or during the birth. Cassidy and Malcolm held the cord as Jason cut it. We weighed our beautiful boy: 8lb 9.5oz, our biggest newborn yet! We watched the parts of the video with our midwife so we could fill in the forms and know the times of each stage and his birth. Figuring I had started active labour around 9:30am I pushed from 12:38am and he was born at 12:41am. She assigned him apgars of 8 and 9 and said she was impressed with how well we had communicated and how we had done everything right. She left not too long after, with big hugs and congratulations for all of us!

I rested blissfully in bed, with our new son, who we soon decided to name, Lucas Harold. Lucas was the name his brothers liked best and Harold is a family name, after Jason’s mother’s father and my father’s father.

It was such an amazing beautiful perfect birth! While we had strongly considered and researched unassisted childbirth, we had decided it would be too hard with our two older children present and no extra help nearby…funny how things turn out: exactly as they are meant to be . Welcome my precious son!